about that one thing.

Faith and religion have played an integral part of my life. I grew up going to church weekly, participating in youth groups and bible studies, and attending Christian schools. Everyone I knew shared the same worldview and belief system as I did. I was convinced that people who practiced a faith differing with mine would spend eternity burning in hell and I wanted to make sure I never fell into that category.

Religion was fear based for me. I was told that if I had a sin I had not asked forgiveness for, God would not listen to my prayers. If I did not close my eyes when I prayed or open my mouth big enough when I sang in church, God was unpleased with me. It felt as if God’s love required my perfection, a goal that remained continually unattainable.

Throw sexuality in the mix.

I was never boy crazy. I felt different among my girl peers as they swooned over boys; I couldn’t fully understand their obsessions. I dated a few boys in high school and college but it never equated into a serious relationship. I remember being drawn to certain girls with an urge of wanting to be their friend. Not just their friend, but their best friend; the one they would come to for everything and want to spend every waking moment with. What I have come to realize is the longing I had for those friendships were amongst the first of my girl crushes.

What I was feeling and what I was raised to believe were forcing conflict within. I wanted God to love me, but I also wanted to be in a relationship where I could be my true self. This sparked a whirlwind of anxiety and depression, sleepless nights, repression, and the constant thought I was doing something wrong.

If only I could change that one thing.

But there would be moments; moments of silence when the noise of my thoughts subsided and I could hear one truth speak clearly. “You are loved by God and He sees nothing wrong with you.”

I have begun to let myself be comfortable with my true being. There are, and will be, times in which I may feel the pressure from surrounding Christians that try and tell me to change. However, instead of their opinions throwing me into an emotional chaos, I am able to hold onto the truth that God loves me regardless of my sexuality.

Embracing our true selves may be a difficult, but also rewarding journey. Some people may hurt you, disappoint you, and even reject you. But, there will be people who will surround you and support you, who will love you regardless and welcome you with open arms. I chose to seek out the latter; not looking back, but standing firm in bravery, and acknowledging myself. My true self.

 

 

8 thoughts on “about that one thing.

  1. This was awesome! I felt a similar way growing up in church while questioning my sexuality. But I’ve come to think that if your God doesn’t love everyone regardless of their sexual orientation, then He’s not the God I want to believe in; I will believe in my OWN (version of) God instead. I definitely think this is a topic that needs to be talked about more and not swept under the rug. This is the first post of yours I’ve read, and I will for sure read the rest of what you’ve posted 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Very honest and well said. I struggled with my views on this with connection to my religion and have grown to understand that we accept religion as we want to. All people should be accepted for who they are and who they love. Great post!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Be yourself. Be kind to yourself. Understand that if your current circle of friends/family/influencers see things one way, there is a big wide world out there of people who have a vast array of different perspectives. Its not a about right and wrong, its about you being yourself, and being ok with that.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this post so much! I love the honesty in your words. The reality of other people. But the strength in your own relationship with God and how much more important THAT is than those other people. Just knowing you are loved and that you are true to yourself. I agree with Jason over at opinionated man that we should all be accepted. You are accepted by those who matter!

    Liked by 1 person

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