a binder full of boys.

When I was in school, we used three ring binders; holding notes, papers and assignments. They were an extension of our personality, we decorated them with pictures, stickers, and sayings that showed the outside world who we were. Some were colored with bright and intricate designs, while some shown a more plain pattern. Others were covered in pictures to evoke memories, or only had the class subject written across the top.

I decorated mine with boys.

I printed off pictures of models and plastered them all over my binder, taking part of the boy crazy phase we were all going through in our teen years.

Except I wasn’t boy crazy. I wasn’t anything crazy. I just did it because everyone else did.

For middle and high school, I went to conservative, religious schools. There was an unspoken assumption that romantic relationships only existed between a man and a woman; it’s what we knew and what we were surrounded with. Same sex attraction wasn’t discussed, considered or even thought about.

It just wasn’t an option.

I easily fell into that way of thinking, equating my lack of interest in boys to not being ready for them or having other interests that required my attention. I believed I must just be a late bloomer.

But, I knew deep down that wasn’t the truth. I always had a curiosity about girls, being more drawn to them than boys, as I talked about in about that one thing.I remember being drawn to certain girls with an urge of wanting to be their friend. Not just their friend, but their best friend; the one they would come to for everything and want to spend every waking moment with.”

But, instead of discussing it, I kept it all in, hiding questions and curiosities. I decorated binders, talked about boys, and giggled at their flirtatious comments.

I wish there would have been conversation; a discussion surrounding sexuality instead of a complete avoidance. Maybe then I wouldn’t have struggled so long with confusion surrounding my own sexuality.

Where do you want to see a change? Wherever or whatever it may be, keep a conversation going. Have discussions with others around you, learn their worldview and beliefs, even if they differ from yours. Stand up, call out for action. Be the catalyst for change. Speak out, be different, be unique, and be you.


  1. This story really resonsanted with me – Even though my struggle isn’t related to religion, and had more to do cultural norms and an intense fear of judgement.

    Thank you for the reminder to be ourselves – it was much needed today.

    D 🙂 <3

  2. This is a very intriguing topic and one I have felt should be explored. I didn’t avoid any of these conversations with the girls. I didn’t want to rob them of any decisions and let them get tripped up by anything. I also did big research with them on the development of their brains and what could cause trauma resulting in emotional and psychological effects. All so enlightening, even for me. It is a big mistake to avoid this, but also to take a stance with one view or the other. Best to present literary & scientific research and watch their minds unfold… No two are the same ♡

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